spinning my wheels

im a spinner. i love saying that. the kromski fantasia, a gift from my husband brings me such joy and peace. i love spinning.

today Im sitting, watching my very pregnant daughter try to talk herself into labor....it'll come, but its hard watching her so uncomfortable. she is a beautiful pregnant woman, but ready, very ready , to have this baby, her first born, her son.

and yesterday i finished his afghan. a beautiful aran cable blanket that will stretch and wrap around he and his mommy for many years to come.

we're ready jackson, whenever you are.

a new passion

for Christmas this year my husband bought me a beautiful fantasia spinning wheel. I am in love. as the wool slides through my fingers, the stress follows.... it is mindless yet so mind freeing. thank you honey

where does the time go?

a ravelry friend sent me a note today, asking what had happened to my blog. I cant believe its been over a year since I have posted.....my needles have been busy, my thoughts have been busy, cant imagine why I havent been writing....

On my needles now are a blue sweater, beautiful soft wool, for Ryan and socks for my son. Im not knitting today, I have a dull migraine, but they are sitting on the couch waiting for me to feel better...

Yesterday I taught my daughter to knit. My first born Taresa, Ryan's mom. she took to it like a fish to water, and for the life of me i cant imagine why we havent done it sooner. she has crochetted forever,but now joins the ranks of knitter. It gives me so much joy to see her continuing on with the things that I so love. She is an excellent cook, a wonderful mother and now she knits. its the whole circle of life thing, and it makes me smile.

obsession

for the past two years I been pretty much obsessed with needles. Not IV needles, but knitting needles, needles and hooks. about the time my youngest daughter came to me with the admission that she was very sick I picked up my needles and with every stitch maintained my sanity. I knit constantly. she is in recovery, but I continue to fight for my center, my own sense of peace. so I knit. and knit. i knit instead of cooking, cleaning, exercising, I knit when my husband would rather me be upstairs with him. I knit in the car, in the kitchen, at the beach, in the bathroom, ( i know, i know), I knit at work on my lunch break, I knit on the train, on the floor, on the couch. I have a knitting chair, in the sun room, where I knit when I really need to SEE my stitches. I knitted when i was in the hospital recovering from heart surgery, I will knit on Wednesday when I await the birth of my first grandchild. I have chronicled my projects on Ravelry and flickr, but i really dont celebrate the finish as much as the start. I cant wait to start the next project, because if Im knitting, well, Im busy, Im important, I matter. I cant self pity or indulge, or argue with my daughter, or worry, because, see, Im knitting.

i wonder if the switch will turn off some day. If I will return to my studio to pick up the quilting and sewing that has been pretty much ignored for the past 2 years, or if I will someday focus on exercise or a new job or anything other than the wonderful threads and yarns and soft wooden needles which form so much of my day.

right now, not so much. Im knitting. and Ive been thinking about this post for the last two days but didnt have time to write it because I had to finish the monkey and work on moms scarf and start Taresa's shawl.....

christmas eve

here i sit, 6 am on Christmas eve. the tree is lit in the florida room, beautiful, huge, 8 feet wide ==sparkling just like they did when there were babies gathered around it all those years ago. my needles lie untouched this morning, no way Im going to finish Joes socks, but I did get one done, so I will wrap it up with the promise that number 2 will be finished by New years.

and there is sort of a peace in the house. I am reasonably sure that everyone is fine. dad is struggling, and joe is on the threshhold of a new life, Valerie working on getting herself whole and healthy,Taresa trying to get home, and I feel that it will all be ok. Christmas optimism? or maybe just a realization that I really dont control all of this, or much of any of it, really. All i can do is my best, and love them all and be here when they need me -- and trust that I will begiven the strength to handle whatever comes down the road next.

ok, i get it

ok ok ok ok. I get it God. Life is not easy. sometimes you DO give us a little more than we can handle. there is NOT always a silver lining. it is NOT always darkest BEFORE the dawn, sometimes its just damn dark, period. There is not a LESSON in everything. God, Im tired. it seems the last truly happy moment was taresas wedding, 2 years ago -- and hell, even then my poor val was suffering from an eating disorder and I got my contact stuck and cut my eye . i have wandered around for days, weeks, months telling myself it really is ok, the run of evil is over, THERE ARE NO GENERATIONAL CURSES. and then, the doctor calls, or joe worries about his job, or valerie blanches during dinner, or taresa hurts her knee, or georges color is a lovely shade of GREY.

I get it. I cant do this alone. but, then again, I never tried to do it alone. I always ask god, thank god, pray to god, believe god. but, I guess I have never truly Let go and Let God. that may be exactliy where i have to go. Ill give it a shot.

funny how things happen

sitting here on the couch, thinking about the day that just was. My sons baby shower. grandchild Eva is due in February and it was time to give a shower to make sure the kids got all set up with baby stuff.

How did the time go this fast? George spent the day holding babies, Dakota, Lily and walking the back yard with Danielle. He loves babies more than any man Ive ever met. and they love him right back. it did him good to spend the day smelling baby powder and rocking . and as i watched him I was reminded of the days he spent with our babies. he was a good dad, a great dad, and I wish there was something i could do that would bring that part of him out more frequently.

and now our joseph is engaged, and a home owner, and expecting a baby -- baby girl eva. he and jena are happy and worried and trying to make their home the best it can be -- and i am tryiing to be supportive and not bossy ---

so today we had a shower. wonderful presents, and all my kids in town and mom here with her best friend barbara, and my friends terry and faith. it was a good day. one i will remember for a long long time.