the other mom

well, yesterday I went to the dedication of a bistro area in the high school where I teach. A mom stood and thanked us for remembering her daughter, a beautiful high school junior who took her own life in 2002. Her mother spoke of her love of life, of her favorite phrase-- bff -- and of her unending acceptance of everyone -- everyone it seems, except herself. She went to her room, after one hard day at school, after a fight with her boyfriend, and killed herself.

and standing there I knew how close I came to being that mom. My own daughter came very close to killing herself a few years ago, caught in the clench of bulimia, anorexia, panic and anxiety. She wasted away, lying and crying, and hiding her pain, until one horrible night when she hit bottom, screamed, cried, struck out at me and her dad and anyone in arms distance, and crumbled on the kitchen floor, shaking and screaming.

but somewhere, somehow, the next day , she chose to live. she told me the truth about her illness, how long it had been going on, how sick she really was. As i sit and type this, i remember the terror I felt, the way i held on to her, how I called her father into the room, how I stayed by her side until 72 hours later when we dropped her off at the hospital that would eventually save her life and help her on the road to recovery that she continues to travel, even today. and I know how very close I came, and how easy it would have been for her to quit, to give up. and i thank God that he put his arms around her and gave her, and us, the strength to get through the hell that is an eating disorder.

Today I told her. I held her in my arms and told her how I cherish every moment that i have with her, good or bad. and I told her that I was proud of her and I reminded her that she needs to take care of herself every day -- when she struggles she needs to care for herself and do whatever it takes to keep herself well. and she told me she knows how precious her life is, and that she knows she needs to never forget how bad it got.

and I know that I will never take her for granted. Or the sunshine. or the green grass or every normal moment of every normal day that God gives us.
and every quilt that I make or piece that I knit has a little bit of her in it. Of hope, and of courage.

And Im sorry that Pat has to be that mom. And I hope that her daughter has found some peace , but I thank God every day that my baby chose the other path. and I pray she continues to do so.