obsession

for the past two years I been pretty much obsessed with needles. Not IV needles, but knitting needles, needles and hooks. about the time my youngest daughter came to me with the admission that she was very sick I picked up my needles and with every stitch maintained my sanity. I knit constantly. she is in recovery, but I continue to fight for my center, my own sense of peace. so I knit. and knit. i knit instead of cooking, cleaning, exercising, I knit when my husband would rather me be upstairs with him. I knit in the car, in the kitchen, at the beach, in the bathroom, ( i know, i know), I knit at work on my lunch break, I knit on the train, on the floor, on the couch. I have a knitting chair, in the sun room, where I knit when I really need to SEE my stitches. I knitted when i was in the hospital recovering from heart surgery, I will knit on Wednesday when I await the birth of my first grandchild. I have chronicled my projects on Ravelry and flickr, but i really dont celebrate the finish as much as the start. I cant wait to start the next project, because if Im knitting, well, Im busy, Im important, I matter. I cant self pity or indulge, or argue with my daughter, or worry, because, see, Im knitting.

i wonder if the switch will turn off some day. If I will return to my studio to pick up the quilting and sewing that has been pretty much ignored for the past 2 years, or if I will someday focus on exercise or a new job or anything other than the wonderful threads and yarns and soft wooden needles which form so much of my day.

right now, not so much. Im knitting. and Ive been thinking about this post for the last two days but didnt have time to write it because I had to finish the monkey and work on moms scarf and start Taresa's shawl.....

christmas eve

here i sit, 6 am on Christmas eve. the tree is lit in the florida room, beautiful, huge, 8 feet wide ==sparkling just like they did when there were babies gathered around it all those years ago. my needles lie untouched this morning, no way Im going to finish Joes socks, but I did get one done, so I will wrap it up with the promise that number 2 will be finished by New years.

and there is sort of a peace in the house. I am reasonably sure that everyone is fine. dad is struggling, and joe is on the threshhold of a new life, Valerie working on getting herself whole and healthy,Taresa trying to get home, and I feel that it will all be ok. Christmas optimism? or maybe just a realization that I really dont control all of this, or much of any of it, really. All i can do is my best, and love them all and be here when they need me -- and trust that I will begiven the strength to handle whatever comes down the road next.

ok, i get it

ok ok ok ok. I get it God. Life is not easy. sometimes you DO give us a little more than we can handle. there is NOT always a silver lining. it is NOT always darkest BEFORE the dawn, sometimes its just damn dark, period. There is not a LESSON in everything. God, Im tired. it seems the last truly happy moment was taresas wedding, 2 years ago -- and hell, even then my poor val was suffering from an eating disorder and I got my contact stuck and cut my eye . i have wandered around for days, weeks, months telling myself it really is ok, the run of evil is over, THERE ARE NO GENERATIONAL CURSES. and then, the doctor calls, or joe worries about his job, or valerie blanches during dinner, or taresa hurts her knee, or georges color is a lovely shade of GREY.

I get it. I cant do this alone. but, then again, I never tried to do it alone. I always ask god, thank god, pray to god, believe god. but, I guess I have never truly Let go and Let God. that may be exactliy where i have to go. Ill give it a shot.

funny how things happen

sitting here on the couch, thinking about the day that just was. My sons baby shower. grandchild Eva is due in February and it was time to give a shower to make sure the kids got all set up with baby stuff.

How did the time go this fast? George spent the day holding babies, Dakota, Lily and walking the back yard with Danielle. He loves babies more than any man Ive ever met. and they love him right back. it did him good to spend the day smelling baby powder and rocking . and as i watched him I was reminded of the days he spent with our babies. he was a good dad, a great dad, and I wish there was something i could do that would bring that part of him out more frequently.

and now our joseph is engaged, and a home owner, and expecting a baby -- baby girl eva. he and jena are happy and worried and trying to make their home the best it can be -- and i am tryiing to be supportive and not bossy ---

so today we had a shower. wonderful presents, and all my kids in town and mom here with her best friend barbara, and my friends terry and faith. it was a good day. one i will remember for a long long time.

the other mom

well, yesterday I went to the dedication of a bistro area in the high school where I teach. A mom stood and thanked us for remembering her daughter, a beautiful high school junior who took her own life in 2002. Her mother spoke of her love of life, of her favorite phrase-- bff -- and of her unending acceptance of everyone -- everyone it seems, except herself. She went to her room, after one hard day at school, after a fight with her boyfriend, and killed herself.

and standing there I knew how close I came to being that mom. My own daughter came very close to killing herself a few years ago, caught in the clench of bulimia, anorexia, panic and anxiety. She wasted away, lying and crying, and hiding her pain, until one horrible night when she hit bottom, screamed, cried, struck out at me and her dad and anyone in arms distance, and crumbled on the kitchen floor, shaking and screaming.

but somewhere, somehow, the next day , she chose to live. she told me the truth about her illness, how long it had been going on, how sick she really was. As i sit and type this, i remember the terror I felt, the way i held on to her, how I called her father into the room, how I stayed by her side until 72 hours later when we dropped her off at the hospital that would eventually save her life and help her on the road to recovery that she continues to travel, even today. and I know how very close I came, and how easy it would have been for her to quit, to give up. and i thank God that he put his arms around her and gave her, and us, the strength to get through the hell that is an eating disorder.

Today I told her. I held her in my arms and told her how I cherish every moment that i have with her, good or bad. and I told her that I was proud of her and I reminded her that she needs to take care of herself every day -- when she struggles she needs to care for herself and do whatever it takes to keep herself well. and she told me she knows how precious her life is, and that she knows she needs to never forget how bad it got.

and I know that I will never take her for granted. Or the sunshine. or the green grass or every normal moment of every normal day that God gives us.
and every quilt that I make or piece that I knit has a little bit of her in it. Of hope, and of courage.

And Im sorry that Pat has to be that mom. And I hope that her daughter has found some peace , but I thank God every day that my baby chose the other path. and I pray she continues to do so.

little sister dress

wow. this whole grandchild thing is just amazing. 22 weeks gestation -- 3 d. level two ultrasounds that look like shes ready to be born right now, I am having such a love affair with this baby -- and of course my son and the wonderful woman carrying his child. its an amazing thing, thinking of my child having a child, and I find that my knitting needles keep returning to baby items. Im wondering if anyone else is going to get a present this year, but the baby is surely going to be loaded with warm knitted loveys.

the little sister dress is my favorite so far. I adapted it somewhat, i wanted it to flare out more than the pattern, and added a lace border at the bottom. darn its cute. was saving it for christmas and then showed the picture to them on my camera by mistake. what the heck, i gave it to them. its beautiful, even tho she will be the "big sister" , its definitely her dress

lbs away

oh my. my prolific summer of knitting has ended me up 30 pounds heavier ( as of 2 weeks ago, Ive lost 11 lbs since then) , with "barnacles" on my hip ( Im not kidding the doctor said barnacles, what am I an oyster???) and tennis elbow. cardiologist says i should power knit, on the treadmill, with a brace on the elbow. my lord.

so , I am trying to be better. treadmill every other day, walk with hubby some nights, no eating after dinner, and getting off my butt and pulling weeds or working on the pond or something other than knitting 7 hours a day. but, man I love to knit. ever notice tho? a lot of us are on the chunky side. hhhmmm.

school starts monday. gotta be certain I dont lapse into the "im tired" mode when I get home at 4 -- but the sleep apnea, which we now know I have but they havent started treating me for yet, does really lead to a dragging feeling a good part of the day -- curious to see how I do at work....