christmas eve

here i sit, 6 am on Christmas eve. the tree is lit in the florida room, beautiful, huge, 8 feet wide ==sparkling just like they did when there were babies gathered around it all those years ago. my needles lie untouched this morning, no way Im going to finish Joes socks, but I did get one done, so I will wrap it up with the promise that number 2 will be finished by New years.

and there is sort of a peace in the house. I am reasonably sure that everyone is fine. dad is struggling, and joe is on the threshhold of a new life, Valerie working on getting herself whole and healthy,Taresa trying to get home, and I feel that it will all be ok. Christmas optimism? or maybe just a realization that I really dont control all of this, or much of any of it, really. All i can do is my best, and love them all and be here when they need me -- and trust that I will begiven the strength to handle whatever comes down the road next.

ok, i get it

ok ok ok ok. I get it God. Life is not easy. sometimes you DO give us a little more than we can handle. there is NOT always a silver lining. it is NOT always darkest BEFORE the dawn, sometimes its just damn dark, period. There is not a LESSON in everything. God, Im tired. it seems the last truly happy moment was taresas wedding, 2 years ago -- and hell, even then my poor val was suffering from an eating disorder and I got my contact stuck and cut my eye . i have wandered around for days, weeks, months telling myself it really is ok, the run of evil is over, THERE ARE NO GENERATIONAL CURSES. and then, the doctor calls, or joe worries about his job, or valerie blanches during dinner, or taresa hurts her knee, or georges color is a lovely shade of GREY.

I get it. I cant do this alone. but, then again, I never tried to do it alone. I always ask god, thank god, pray to god, believe god. but, I guess I have never truly Let go and Let God. that may be exactliy where i have to go. Ill give it a shot.

funny how things happen

sitting here on the couch, thinking about the day that just was. My sons baby shower. grandchild Eva is due in February and it was time to give a shower to make sure the kids got all set up with baby stuff.

How did the time go this fast? George spent the day holding babies, Dakota, Lily and walking the back yard with Danielle. He loves babies more than any man Ive ever met. and they love him right back. it did him good to spend the day smelling baby powder and rocking . and as i watched him I was reminded of the days he spent with our babies. he was a good dad, a great dad, and I wish there was something i could do that would bring that part of him out more frequently.

and now our joseph is engaged, and a home owner, and expecting a baby -- baby girl eva. he and jena are happy and worried and trying to make their home the best it can be -- and i am tryiing to be supportive and not bossy ---

so today we had a shower. wonderful presents, and all my kids in town and mom here with her best friend barbara, and my friends terry and faith. it was a good day. one i will remember for a long long time.

the other mom

well, yesterday I went to the dedication of a bistro area in the high school where I teach. A mom stood and thanked us for remembering her daughter, a beautiful high school junior who took her own life in 2002. Her mother spoke of her love of life, of her favorite phrase-- bff -- and of her unending acceptance of everyone -- everyone it seems, except herself. She went to her room, after one hard day at school, after a fight with her boyfriend, and killed herself.

and standing there I knew how close I came to being that mom. My own daughter came very close to killing herself a few years ago, caught in the clench of bulimia, anorexia, panic and anxiety. She wasted away, lying and crying, and hiding her pain, until one horrible night when she hit bottom, screamed, cried, struck out at me and her dad and anyone in arms distance, and crumbled on the kitchen floor, shaking and screaming.

but somewhere, somehow, the next day , she chose to live. she told me the truth about her illness, how long it had been going on, how sick she really was. As i sit and type this, i remember the terror I felt, the way i held on to her, how I called her father into the room, how I stayed by her side until 72 hours later when we dropped her off at the hospital that would eventually save her life and help her on the road to recovery that she continues to travel, even today. and I know how very close I came, and how easy it would have been for her to quit, to give up. and i thank God that he put his arms around her and gave her, and us, the strength to get through the hell that is an eating disorder.

Today I told her. I held her in my arms and told her how I cherish every moment that i have with her, good or bad. and I told her that I was proud of her and I reminded her that she needs to take care of herself every day -- when she struggles she needs to care for herself and do whatever it takes to keep herself well. and she told me she knows how precious her life is, and that she knows she needs to never forget how bad it got.

and I know that I will never take her for granted. Or the sunshine. or the green grass or every normal moment of every normal day that God gives us.
and every quilt that I make or piece that I knit has a little bit of her in it. Of hope, and of courage.

And Im sorry that Pat has to be that mom. And I hope that her daughter has found some peace , but I thank God every day that my baby chose the other path. and I pray she continues to do so.

little sister dress

wow. this whole grandchild thing is just amazing. 22 weeks gestation -- 3 d. level two ultrasounds that look like shes ready to be born right now, I am having such a love affair with this baby -- and of course my son and the wonderful woman carrying his child. its an amazing thing, thinking of my child having a child, and I find that my knitting needles keep returning to baby items. Im wondering if anyone else is going to get a present this year, but the baby is surely going to be loaded with warm knitted loveys.

the little sister dress is my favorite so far. I adapted it somewhat, i wanted it to flare out more than the pattern, and added a lace border at the bottom. darn its cute. was saving it for christmas and then showed the picture to them on my camera by mistake. what the heck, i gave it to them. its beautiful, even tho she will be the "big sister" , its definitely her dress

lbs away

oh my. my prolific summer of knitting has ended me up 30 pounds heavier ( as of 2 weeks ago, Ive lost 11 lbs since then) , with "barnacles" on my hip ( Im not kidding the doctor said barnacles, what am I an oyster???) and tennis elbow. cardiologist says i should power knit, on the treadmill, with a brace on the elbow. my lord.

so , I am trying to be better. treadmill every other day, walk with hubby some nights, no eating after dinner, and getting off my butt and pulling weeds or working on the pond or something other than knitting 7 hours a day. but, man I love to knit. ever notice tho? a lot of us are on the chunky side. hhhmmm.

school starts monday. gotta be certain I dont lapse into the "im tired" mode when I get home at 4 -- but the sleep apnea, which we now know I have but they havent started treating me for yet, does really lead to a dragging feeling a good part of the day -- curious to see how I do at work....

school sweater

spent much of the spare time this weekend working on my school sweater. (aka lion brand sweater jacket) Its coming along well, very very easy -- just knit knit knit.

it was kind of brainless, but its good prep for the upcoming school year and the myriad of projects that I have to get done before Christmas.

AAAhhhh....crochet

Crochet to me, is like the fast food of handiwork. The little teebag I made for Gregg worked up in like, a minute, and letft me SO fullfilled. ( is that crazy?) Lately I have been struggling, to say the least, with a pair of lace socks for Taresa. I mess up the count, I rip them out. I dont like the pattern, I rip them out, I drop a stitch, I rip them out, I dont know what the problem is, I rip them out.

So, I needed a break!

I crochetted a little tiny tee bag for Gregg. wonderful. Im a crochet princess! my work is wonderful. people from all over the land will come and see the wonders I create with my hook.

meanwhile the tangled mess of yarn from those darn socks lay unnattended on the floor.

Maybe I just need a different yarn.....

yay! badges! never got to be a girlscout, so Im stoked!

And theyre knitting badges -- first one rewards using non knitting things to knit, second about going to er for knitting accident, third talking about knitting and fourth, well, you know.

ruh roh

i had a revelation this morning, sitting there knitting, coffee cup at my side....
I have spent the last 28 years being "mom". damn good at it too I must say. And, now, Ive pretty much done my job, my children, tho all dealing with their own idiosyncracies and issues, are independent for the most part, and dont "need" me to be a part of their day to day life. I floundered around for a while, being a pain in the ass Im sure, but then i picked up my needles again.....
and now I knit. Boy, do I knit. Im defining myself through my yarns and needles. Jesus, why cant I get a "hobby" , why does everything I do become all absorbing????

Ok, today I WILL NOT KNIT ANYMORE...who am I kidding, I have to finish that green sweater so I can get started on Taresa's socks.

sheesh.

hatteras knit bits

back from vacation ( insert big frown). Im never ready to leave the outer banks, but this time was made a little easier by the prospect of a stop at a lys -- Knitting Addiction -- and a quilt shop -- Funtastic fabrics --- in Southern Shores NC.

Good hubby agreed to the stops and to "be good" while I oohhed and aahheedddd and spent more money than I should...

Vacation was good. i go to the outer banks for peace, and i felt it coming over me on Wednesday of the first week there. it was hard for me to go away this year, it was the first time away from my youngest daughter since her serious illness a year ago and my son has recently become engaged and a parent to be, so driving almost 400 miles away was tough for the most involved mom in the world....

but, the obx won and i learned to let go a little bit of my kids problems. its hard, I have always seen it as my job to fix things for them -- i know I cant anymore and i have to allow them to falter and trust that they will pick themselves up...

So I knitted. Made a pair of socks for val, a kimono for first grandchild to be, started a green sweater for same grandchild.... And I read "friday night knitting club" which if you havent read you should skip the next sentence. i GOT SO MAD I THREW THE BOOK ACROSS THE ROOM. maybe Im just getting old but i dont get all warm and squishy when someone dies -- i wanted her to live, damn it.

knitted on the beach, in the truck, on the deck, on the dock. it was glorious. all of the pieces I made have the essence of obx in them, and will therefore spread peace and joy whereever they are worn!

At the yarn stop I purchased the needles for Taresa's lace socks, yarn for Jena's hospital booties and some beautiful red handdyed yarn for a scarf for taresa and a purple blend for myself for a shawl. All, also infused with hatteras charm and good luck.

I hope to return to the outer banks later this year, but will probably have to wait til next summer. I hope this 2 week fix was enough.

needles and pins

our vacation starts friday. me and the hubby first then all 3 grwon kids and their others storm in a week later. So looking forward to this ,we last did it 2 years ago, and its just so fun to have everyone in the same place.....a lot of eating, drinking, laughing and fishing!

a little different this year, our son and his fiancee are pregnant!!!! so, we'll be buying OBX baby wear for sure.

and I was going to schedule a fishing trip. youngest daughters boyfriend is in, we'd pay for the father to be, and thought oldest daughter and her husband ( who make more money than all of us) would love the idea. " Oh my, thats expensive" WHAT?!? The girl who spends 400 for a coach bag, who knows how much for her hair and i dont even want to think about how much for dinner at all those restaurants she writes about, wont drop 250 for her husband to spend the day in the gulf stream with the rest of the guys? kids.

baby angel james blankie

as i stood in the nicu nursery tonite, with my great nephews tiny hand clutching my finger, I prayed harder than Ive prayed in a long time. Now, I knwo that you dont have to pray "hard" for god to hear you ,but this time I felt the need.

this dear little baby, so tiny, so frail, and hanging on so hard to life. so far we know his PDA is closing, his oxygen level is getting better, he has a blood culture infection, and now his little belly is swelling --and he is brusing -- they are saying words like nephritis and gangrene, and talking terms like "life threatening" and worry.

As I knit and crochet and try to give him gifts full of love and warmth, as I hold my niece and try to say the right thing, as I try to explain to my brother what is going on and skim over the pain for my dad -- as i watch valerie struggle with her own battles, as i cling to my faith and pray to my god, I am amazed at how much emotion thisl ittle tiny 1 lb. 3 oz .baby can evoke
be well baby james and know that you are loved.

beach tote

excellent beach tote. loved the pattern and putting it on my shoulder makes me remember all thetimes I slung a tote over my shoulder and headed to the beach when I was a teen. This one looks just like I wanted, its cool beans

Sweet Baby James

interestingly enough, I dont spend a lot of time with my extended family. I am busy, I guess, I teach, maintain a large house, have a great husband, and try to make a difference in the lives of my own 3 children as often as possible. But, I am guilty of not seeing mybrother, cousins, and nieces and nephews as much as I should. I love them all. often think of them and something Id like to make them, or say to them, or do with them.

but time is short, and its easy to get lazy on the couch and vow to do it later.

but then something happens. Tony goes to war, Al gets in a car crash, and now, Rose, my sweet niece, gives birth to a baby, 16 weeks early.

Little Angel James was born on April 17, 2008, his great grandmothers birthday. he entered this side a tiny 1lb. 3 oz. barely 11 inches long, unable to breathe on his own or cry that sweet newborn cry, but here none the less and fighting hard to stay,

So Aunt Cindy kicked in. I dont know how I can related to so many people who are so stupid. My oldest brother doesnt even have enough sense to be here for his little brother, the babies granddad. I received no less than 3 calls telling me "rose lost the baby", Lori tries to talk serious business with a new mom trying to pump mlk for the first time.

but there is no lack of love, and that is what is keeping this dysfunctional family functioning. That, and for the first time in his life, my brother is sober and sane and together enough to be the father and grandfather that rose and angel james needs. the baby monitor above his little head read "baby cold" so I knitted him a hat, and booties. his little skin is not yet able to stand the pressure of the yarn, but as soon as he grows a little bit he will be cold no more, ever. I'll make sure of that.

And now Im thinking about the bassinet Im going to buy to have for this baby to lay in our family room, because Ive got a feeling that around august, when he really gets home, hes gonna need a quiet place to come every now and then.

broo ha ha

got myself in a little broo ha ha over at ravelry. had joined the adhd group -- seemed kind of fun, but then they started a thread about home schooling. I got into a ah hem, discussion, about the merits and cons of, as well as my feeling that being a mom doesnt make you a teacher. boy did I hit a nerve. Oh, well, I guess a spirited discussion is good for the bloodpressure and circulation. So, i wandered away from the adhd crowd, Im afraid theyre a little too intense for me. I mean, Im just in it for the knitting, you know???

Lets Go Mets

Its done!!!! gonna send it to Gregg on Monday. I love this silly hat.

knitted it on circular needles, used a technique where it looks like separate triangles but its really one.

lets go mets

all three pieces of Greggs hat are done, blocked and waiting to be put together tomorrow.

wish it was this easy to put a life or a relationship back together. i miss my relationship with my daughter--she is drifting away again -- hopefully she will find her way back to us before it is too late.

greggs hat

well, as i work on greggs hat I wonder why I always go towards gregg when I am making something new? I think it has something to do with the fact that he is so accepting and funny and he loves my daughter sooooo much, I just keep wanting to do things for him

the hat is about half done, I cant wait to see it on his silly head.

my stuff

i am so thrilled with my new found ability to put pix up. enjoy

http://home-and-garden.webshots.com/slideshow/423915695PfUIhK

save the ta tas

mammogram today, all looks well, altho they will put it through the magic machine later to make sure. so, Im doing the healthy breast dance and reminding all of you to get your mamogram!

genius! almost

yay! i figured out how to add favorite blogs to my blog. of course I added all my quilt blog favorites to my knitting and crochetting blog. geez -- almost there. oh well, at least I can find them!

swing batter swing!

excited today. bought the yarn for the silly baseball hat Im making for my son in law the Mets fan. last year I made him a ridiculous pair of slipper socks that he wears ALL the time, so now hes gonna get the hat! my daughter is going to kill me.

YAY! a really quick cute project. the little jungle elephant made me smile all day!

something for me! woo hoo!

I walked in to my yarn store -- Stitches with Style in Newark, and among all the beautiful projects and rainbow hues of yarn I saw this tiny dear little pillow. It has to be mine! so I bought the yarn, the pamphlet and came on home to get started. So Excited! i rarely see things that I want to make for ME and even more rarely actually do it, but this thing is just too cool to miss, looks like a sea urchin. as soon as it begins to look like something I will post a pic.

yay! done!

The bag is done. the granny bag is done. i love it, love it , love it.

lunch lady!

lunch time at momma rocks desk. pizza, fruit and granny squares! the granny square group continues!

crochet

you have to wonder why someone who considers herself a pretty good knitter, who knits 24/7 when able, who finds great peace and calm when knitting ---- chooses a crochet group as her first group to join in ravelry. granny squares no less! oh well, my swap partner seems very cool, so Ill see what I can dream up.

granny squares. my goodness

cottage socks

i m in the middle of the cutest pair of socks. they are called cottage socks, and knit up quick on size 13 dp needles, but the y loook like a pair of ughs. cute as all get out. will try to get pix in when i get my new camera tomorrow

the weekend I didnt pick up a needle or hook

if you just want to read about adventures with fiber, this isnt the post for you, but I have something to say and its busting out right this minute. I spent the weekend with my children, in separate little chunks. My son bought his first house. how exciting. 25 years old, buying a house all by himself. I went over Friday nite expecting to clean and spackle and set up his kitchen -- but he and girlfriend were not in the mood for that! so dad and I and little sis shuffled off while he and girlfriend lit a candle in the fireplace and blew up the air mattress - and -- enough said.

then saturday big sis drove up from DC to see bros house. again, we all drove over -- girlfriend had left for work and big sis immediately started cleaning stove. Shes the gourmet in the family, you can read her blog "cook and book" on this site if you dont believe me. so you better believe she jumped in and made sure little brother had a clean stove and oven. and she wandered around his little house exclaiming that she was jealous, that she wanted a house -- she and hubby currently live in a beautiful condo in DC -- and generally making her brother feel great about his purchase

again, not much work got done. it seems girlfriend wants to shop, not spackle. oh well, not my problem. I love the girl, i just hope she loves my son as much as he loves her...

but then, the highlight of the weekend. baby girl (22) and I went to Baltimore. She had a serious illness a year ago -- and suffice it to say, we almost lost her, in more ways than one. The hospital where she was treated sponsored a guest speaker this weekend who I felt we both needed to hear. Understanding that returning to the place that she remembers with mixed feelings would be hard, i decided to sweeten the pot and offer to make it a weekend on the inner harbor. Incredible! Renaissance Harborplace hotel, 4 stars and earned everyone of them. just beautiful and people standing around waiting to be nice to you. we shopped -- and shopped - it was fun to see her pick up things and buy them for herself -- little miss independent. we went to dinner at a great irish pub and got ridiculously drunk -- hoegarden, martinis and shots of tequilla will do that to you. stopped at haagendas for ice cream on our walk back to the hotel and fell into deep, blissful sleep.
Sunday morning breakfast at the watertable restaurant and then we did the aquarium, lots of interesting fishies, but I was disappointed because I thought there was a walk through shark tank, but we still spent 2 hours oohhing and aaahing.

the trip up to the hospital was stressful for her, she went silent and cranky and i struggled with whether to even go, but she said, we're here, just drive in. as we entered the conference center she looked terse and tight. Her formal social worker was sorting papers at the doorway and the smile and light on her face relaxed my daughter immediately. the speaker was wonderful and I managed to keep my mouth shut -- I know my daughter was secretly praying i wouldnt ask any deep ( aka stupid) questions . when the speaker finished my d sprinted to the table where the books were on sale and scooped them up and ran to the table where she was signing books. as she made her way to the table, she asked "were you treated here? is this where you were treated?" and as jes weiner said no, not here , my daughter who doesnt talk about her battle hardly ever said, in the clearest strongest voice i have heard in a long time said "I was, I was a patient here a year ago" .they chatted a bit and I just grinned, happy that we had done this weekend, angry all over again at the forces that caused my daughter to suffer so long and so hard, and grateful to God and the heavens that she was on her way back, slow, steady and with her head held high.

so, needless to say, no time for knitting this weekend, although we were weaving memories, non stop.

socks dont fit

darn it darn it darn it. drews socks finished ---- they dont fit. what is up with that. this is the first time I ever made socks that dont fit. Oh well, valerie can wear them. How big are that guys feet anyway?

sock deux

i dont know what it is about a pair of socks that causes it to slow down to a complete crawl when I am almost finished the second one. weird. But as I sit here with nothing but the toe to finish on drews socks, i am looking at the galway chunky I bought to make my daughter's cottage socks. its the best pattern, when knitted up they look like ugh boots, adorable. Anyway, I love the look of the size 13 needles that I bought to make them, and cant wait to get em started, but first theres this darn toe...

middle of the night

i thinks its so cool that you can wake up at 4 in the morning and click on the computer screen and find 1230 other people up, thinking about knitting, just like you are. Cracks me up , the way the world, so different, so divided, is really very tiny and similar, we share the same interests, sleep issues, concerns for our kids, blah blah blah, but fight about anything we can think of. maybe we ravelers should put all our money together and teach the whole world to knit -- theyd certainly have less time to fight if they were involved in the best yarn search, like the rest of us.

very deep stuff for 4 am.'

as i write this my son sleeps, 20 feet away, curled up in his dads chair. now, this is no 3 year old, this is my 25 year old, hunk of a man, grown up, wonderful son. Hes moving next week, buying his own home, can you imagine? I cant, this is the kid who stood at the front door watching people play outside because he was sick. this is the one who had a hole in his heart, asthma, nearly died after his dpt shot, pertusus at age 8, hit by a drunk driver at 17, got flat out plastered drunk at prom and had to come home in garbage bags, and his friends boxers --

this is the boy who went off to south carolina for college and came home a surfer guy, the one who cries if he sees a dead animal, will fight to the death to defend one of his sisters, who hugs his father and kisses me on the head and says I love you mom. this is one awesome young man, and he is buying his first house.

of course there is a girl involved. a cute litle thing, loves him to death, works hard, laughs hard, loves her momma. she has some self image issues but shes young and i think she will work through them. she isnt "moving in" but half her furniture is, and I have been told that she will set up the kitchen, not me ( thanks son). so Im guessing whenever i go see him, i'll see her. so cute, my bear is in love. and he actually managed to find a woman that I like --go figure.

so, i sit here watching him sleep, all wrapped up in "sick blankie" the one that lays folded in the hall closet, or at this time of year, folded by the fireplace -- that we all grab when we decide to sleep in the warmth of the family room, by the fire. it brings back memories of nights when I watched him sleep through ear infections, when I squeezed my hand through the rungs of the crib at the hospital and touched his little belly to be sure he was still breathing, when we'd be out on the boat and hed fall asleep--almost the minute we hit the water.

hes moving out next week, but never out of my heart. the girls say I favor him, that he can do no wrong. not true. i love them all, for and despite of who they are, but with a son it is alittle different, i mean I fell in love with the man he models himself after so of course he is special to me, and i see him being a wonderful, albeit a bit unconventional, father, a caring husband, a good and strong man. and he will take with him the socks I knitted, the blankie he has carried since he was born ( and hid in his pillow case in college) and 25 years of memories and joy -- and hopefully some lessons learned.

and I will miss him, like I miss the girls. but i wll find great joy and pride in the fact that he is my son, and he is good and he knows we are always here.

so, i get that i am basically talking to myself here, empowering i guess--but lonely....
however every now and then i'd like someone elses opinion

socks

what in the world did I do before I knitted socks? i love, love, love knitting socks! today i restarted a pair for valeries boyfriend, i had to tear them out a couple weeks ago ( long story) and then got mad at him so i decided he didnt deserve socks, but i guess he really is a nice enough guy after aLL, so, socks it is!

valentines day, and I look on the internet and see that 6 of the students I have taught in the past 5 years, one of them that I teach RIGHT now, have been charged in the past 3 months with trafficking marijuana or cocaine. Jesus, what impact am I making on anyone.

man, I have been so on a creative block this past week. hopefully it will subside soon, Im starting to feel guilty. So cold out today, I m dreading the ride to meetings, but gotta go, gotta go

ravelry explodes

i can not believe how i got through the day without ravelry.com. whether Im knitting or crochetting or just thinking about it , i hit ravelry. maybe its the exclusivity you feel when you finally get " invited" to join, I dont know.

Im not knitting right now tho. i had started a pair of socks for #3's boyfriend, but then made a mega boo-boo and had to tear them out, then i got mad at him ( lloooonnngggg story) and have decided he isnt worthy of my socks, so the ball of yarn is kind of sitting there wondering what IT did that pissed me off....guess Ill make my son in law another pair of socks instead -- I never get mad at him!

oh my god, how did i never see the little cork people before? my #1 used corks for her place card holders at her wedding, and everyone I know has a bowl of corks sitting around the house (yes, we drink a lot of wine) so now i am going to make every family I know a family of cork people of their very own. cant wait to get started on that!